I've gotten 16 weeks of unpaid maternity leave. I go back to work at the end of March, and luckily Michael will watch him while I work. At first when we were struggling with Isaac's tongue tie, with exclusive bottle feeds, him upset at the breast, using a nipple shield, and then his acid reflux, but at 6 weeks when he got on Zantac, he instantly started to breastfeed. Before 6 weeks, it was extremely painful for me, I felt like a failure- that I couldn't get Isaac to breastfeed...I knew it wasn't my fault, that he was born that way. But I had feelings that he didn't like being at the breast, for me it wasn't just nourishment, but I couldn't give him comfort by him being at my breasts either, or mother him there. I would break down in tears (and I am now thinking back on these memories), in pain that he didn't like me in this way, and I wondered if he'd ever get to the breast. I would give Isaac the bottle of breastmilk to fill his nourishing needs, then would attempt at the breast with a nipple shield. Most times he would cry, I did think this was due to my let down not being fast enough for him, and that the bottle was "easier than the breast." The hardest thing was I only had the strength or energy to attempt him at the breast 1x per day if that.
Around 6 weeks old, one weekend, it all clicked, that he was crying in pain after the bottle feeds when I attempted him at the breast. He had had light symptoms of reflux in the past couple of weeks- but they were never severe enough to mention to the doctor, I just figured it was him adjusting to his gastric system maturing. This is when all his symptoms became severe, and one night I had to call the after hours line to get him dosage for tylenol, Isaac was in that much pain. Luckily we were seeing his Doc the next morning. I am not usually one to want to give medicine, but in this case I knew Isaac needed Zantac, and the Doc agreed with me. That evening we were seeing Dr. Reilly for an update on his Frenectomy (his frenulum clipping to correct his posterior tongue tie). He seemed disappointed/sad for me that Isaac wasn't able to breastfeed right after the correction procedure. I told him though that the procedure helped with Isaac better taking the bottle. I did mention that it seemed due to the underlying reflux that we had just gotten diagnosed. And happily Isaac started to breastfeed, he got a few bottles in the beginning, but by two weeks later I had trained him off the nipple shield, and we were exclusively breastfeeding.
When I was in the midst of these struggles, I remember telling Michael in tears or breaking down that there was no way I was capable of going back to work and helping mothers breastfeed, I feared it. But now that we are on the other side, I can't wait to go back. I feel like it is now my mission to do this service and help mom's when they are most vulnerable to not only get their babies to the breast, or help them give formula when it is medically needed, but just to nurture them through this "new mom proccess." I plan on eventually getting to do out patient follow up, since this is what I really needed.
In the near future I want to become a Postpartum Anxiety/ depression counselor, and certified in infant massage. I feel my hospital could really benefit our patients by supporting them after they've gone home not only with lactation and learning to bond with their babies, but by leading a support group for PPD as well. I have no clue how to become a counselor in this field, but I'm beginning to research and ask my colleagues.
But truly what a beautiful gift breastfeeding is, once it is established. I always loved watching a mom nurse her newborn, it is truly a beautiful thing to watch. And now I get to interact with Isaac as he nurses for his nutrients, but I really love now getting to comfort him at the breast and letting him pacify. This is another blessing all on it's own. I am so thankful to my baby for sticking with me through his pain, and rarely ever breastfeeding to now exclusively breastfeeding. I am in awe of my amazing baby.
